Biscuit built a track in the back yard.

She built it to chase off planes. You may find yourself asking, “Sporks, how is it that a 35 pound cocker mix can chase off airplanes?” Good question, good question.

We live on the flight path of the Burbank airport. Planes pass over our yard. Biscuit has discovered that if she obsessively runs in circles, the planes will leave. See how that works in the spanhead mind?

“Um, I run in circles and the planes leave. Therefore, I have chased off the planes.”

Now, you and I might know that “post hoc, ergo propter hoc” (after this, therefore because of this) is a classical logical fallacy. If anyone has an idea HOW I can explain this to Biscuit, share out.

My tenure file is due this Friday and to say I have been a little bit, well, tense, is an understatement. Last Friday I returned home.

I heard Scout, but Biscuit seemed less present than she usually is. When I opened the door to let them in, Scout came in first. In alpha-bitch Biscuit land this is normally not allowed. She came in a few seconds later and retreated to the front entryway. I noticed her licking her leg and went over to discover that she had cut it open.

How did she do this? Probably by chasing off the planes.

I decided the cut looked bad enough to take her to the vet. Scout hearts Biscuit. Scout can’t live without her. Scout is pathologically attached to Biscuit. So, as I left with her, he began to howl in total panic.

Honey and I had noticed that Biscuit’s eye was red a day or so before the leg cut.

When the vet examined Biscuit, he said she had something lodged in her cornea. He also wouldn’t remove it because, and this disturbed me, if it had punctured the cornea and he removed it…ALL THE FLUID WOULD DRAIN OUT OF HER EYE. Um, ok, yuck. Anyway, he referred us to a dog ophthalmologist. Um Hmm. A dog eye doctor.

How did she get a pebble stuck in her eye? Probably by chasing off planes.

He stitched up her leg and sent me home with her. He suggested she wear a cone to keep her from chewing the bandage.

Here’s the Biscuit accounting:

Cost of leg cut: $350

Potential cost of eye exam: $150

Number of pages I filled out at dog eye doctor: 8

Number of things still stuck in Biscuit’s eye when I looked at it after filling out the 8 pages: 0

Time of departure from potential $150 visit: Immediately thereafter

Cost of visit: 25 cents (for meter)

Number of times we put the cone on Biscuit: 3

Number of times this resulted in near paralysis of dog from stress: 3

Amount of movement she was capable of when we were not home while coned: normal

Amount of movement she was capable of when we were home while she was coned: negligible

Number of bandages she chewed off her foot: all

My relief when told she didn’t need a bandage today on the “wound check” visit: high

Number of times she set off my car’s seatbelt alarm: 8

How: By stepping on center console and then back on the seat, making the car think I had a small adult moving on and off the seat

Time elapse after returning home she chased a plane: 5 minutes

Time lost to Biscuit maladies this week when I could otherwise be obsessing about the future of my career: 7 hours (including this post)

Regrets about giving that time to my sweet Biscuit dog: none

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